The Work Mind Virus pt. 1

One of the most challenging and persistent subjects bouncing around my vacuous head since losing my job is the realization and extent that (my) identity and (my) job are profoundly intertwined. My sense of self - my confidence, my "added value"in corporate terms, were inextricably tied to the job I held at the same company for more than 18 years. Now, without that job, and the peace of mind, security and reassurance it provided (rightly or wrongly), I feel an unmistakable loss. Not only has the structure of my days and weeks radically changed (the hours! the days! the regular human interaction!), but more troubling are the feelings of doubt, shame, guilt, worthlessness (all the best emotions)...that often set in.

Here come the caveats. First, this feeling is not abnormal at all - searching the web for "job loss" will yield a ton of content of wildly disparate quality and approaches: coping with job loss, lawyering up to sue your boss, addressing career gaps on your CV... My intent isn't to vent (obviously I'll do some of that too), but rather to wonder how this work/self link became so pervasive for me. Secondly - my job: I wasn't curing cancer, fighting injustice or picking up trash - it was however a good fit for me and I was able to be a creative person within a company whose values mostly aligned with my own. I felt seen and recognized and appreciated, which is a fucking jackpot for people seeking external validation. Next, there are elements of my feelings that are simply personal, attached to my own experience and way of seeing things (work in progress). There are however elements that are surely cultural and political, and I'm quite interested in exploring how being an American working in France fits into this equation. Hopefully this post can kickstart that exploration.